A Brush With Melanie the Mole

I'm going to start this one with a conclusion: I've come to realize that all of my tales on this blog revolve around some sort of embarrassing or compromising situation I've found myself in. And would you believe it keeps happening? This tale like an earlier incident involves nudity, which in my case always means embarrassment.

Before I dive into this incident, I'm required to give a brief history of how I came to such a situation. A situation unto itself is just a glorified water cooler discussion, however a situation with a history, well, that's a tale.

Our tale begins in the sensational Summer of 2009. It was such a great Summer for various reasons but the main ones being that it was my first Summer not spent in college, I had no job but I had money, and finally I had access to the Lake Lewisville tie-ups every weekend. As an independent 23 year old with no responsibility I found my self tied-up on the lake for weekends at a time. Mind y0u that this is lake is in Texas, during Summer. For those of you who have never seen me, I'm a red headed, pale skinned, Sun-fearing ginger (redundant?) that has no business lounging himself in open daylight for extended weekends. To be honest I could've been an extra on the horrid Twilight movies with no make-up necessary. Needless to say, my Summer was awesome and completely irresponsible as I made a few mistakes during my time out there. The entirety of those unfortunate oversights I will not digress to at this time but one consequence seemed to make itself apparent in a very alarming manner.
I know my body pretty well, I've been in possession of it my whole life and we've grown quite close. So when something new shows up, I notice it. For instance, at the end of the Summer of 2009 I notice a peculiar new mole that had never been where it was before. How, you say, did I know it was a new mole? Well it's in a private location, just above what 50 Cent refers to as the "Magic Stick". I don't know calculus or a single Canadian Prime Minister (who does?) but I know that area better than anything. Let me put it this way: I use my knowledge of that area as my standard of comprehensive knowledge of subjects i.e. I know Middle Eastern history like I know my own d!@%. So a new mole appearing that space isn't going to escape my attention. I examined this growth for many months with growing concern. In fact, I'd be lying if I said it didn't influence me a bit into coming to Korea due to my lack of health insurance. Yes, I was that concerned.

FAST FORWARD!

Eight months into Korea, that mole I've been living with for a whole year begins concerning me again. See, I tend to ignore issues with my body with the belief that they'll solve themselves. So why the re-emergence of concern? Well, in Korea we get one station that is in English: AFN. AFN stands for American Forces Network and literally has no commercials. Instead of commercials, it has announcements warning against dangerous driving, sexual harassment, or it'll inform viewers of upcoming events, but sometimes it does some involving personal health. One came up and was all about skin cancer, the dreaded melanoma, the most common case of cancer in the United States (although I'm in Korea). The announcement talked about the five signs of melanoma:

• Asymmetrical skin lesion.
• Border of the lesion is irregular.
• Color: melanomas usually have multiple colors.
• Diameter: moles greater than 6 mm are more likely to be melanomas than smaller moles.
• Enlarging: Enlarging or evolving

Of these five, my new parter riding shotgun to my best buddy had four! DAMMIT! Obviously this is not a situation anyone wants to find themselves in, especially when dealing with such a sensitive area that is itself referred to as "a private part". Private, because we don't go around displaying it publicly, well most of us. But, I had put on my daddy pants and told myself that I needed to get this thing taken care of before it was too late.

How do you find a dermatologist in Korea? You ask your new boss :-( Of course, SHE is going to ask you why you need to go so when she calls them she can tell them. "Well, I have a strange mole that I'm afraid is melanoma." She asks, "Where is it?"...me, "In a private area."

So everyone at work knows that I have a mole in an uncomfortable spot and that it might also be a freakish mutant of a sucker destined to rob me of my life or at least of my "privates."

The next morning I headed to the dermatologist's office and here is where the history of my incident ends and the tale comes to fruition.

Walking into the office I had that distinct feeling many of us get when we are unsure of a situation that maybe we're in the wrong place. The office had pictures of beautiful women and the sign of the office began with "Laser Correction" and finished with "& Dermatology". Had I just walked into a skin care place and not a serious clinic? First thing to make me uneasy was the giggling of the five desk workers as they spotted me coming in with my timid appearance. I gave them the benefit of the doubt that they didn't speak English and were just concerned with who would volunteer to deal with me. Next thing I realized that made me worried was the evident fact that there wasn't a single man in the whole place. There I was, with a bunch of non-English speaking Korean women and I figured I would have to explain why I was there and I could imagine how fun that would be... So an actual doctor came out, a woman, and she sat down with me and explained that she spoke English and asked me why I was there. I explained to her all of my concerns but left out the location of the problem intentionally. I was still holding onto hope that there would be a male in the office.

Sure enough she takes me back to a doctors office and by GOD it's a man! Reconsidering that last statement it's a little odd that I'm excited to tell/show a doctor my crazy mole in my private area. Anyways I was relieved. I explained to him my issues and he asked to see it and without hesitation I showed him. Immediately he says, "it's not melanoma its _____, we can remove it with a laser." Instant relief! Wait....laser?

They send me back into the lobby and I sit where I had sat when I walked in. From my seat I could see all the workers at the front desk clearly. I saw them as the doctor handed them the pad with the information about my _____ . Also on the pad was the order for the procedure to be done. The girls immediately start giggling. All of them but one. I immediately knew that this one would be the individual that would have to perform the procedure on me. The girls are laughing while the one is shaking her head with a blank look, she turns and looks at me, she puts her head into her palm, she raises her head to look at me once more, and then she shakes her head again. All the while the rest of the girls are giggling. As a patient I just feel awesome about this situation (insert an obviously sarcastic tone).

I head back to the room to have the procedure done and luckily the male doctor comes in to assist the nurse. He busts out a death star style laser and begins warming that suck. In the meantime he takes a syringe with a 3 inch needle and sticks me in a place that's too close for comfort. For most of the procedure the nurse literally keeps her head under the bed I'm lying on like a ostrich with it's head in the sand. I think I'm scot-free from having to deal with this woman at all. Then, all of a sudden, the doctor leaves and gives her instructions in Korean. She then applies ointment to the area.

When everything was finished I headed to the front desk to pay. As soon as I'm within their line of sight the mirthful ladies continued their giggling. But, I have to say that I got the last laugh because the visit plus prescription medication cost me only $16!

It goes without saying that I will further be known as that "cool" guy that puts on so much sun block that he left with a visible layer that never seems to be absorbed or washed off.

GIRL GONE WILD!

DISCLAIMER: All characters and events in this story—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional. The following story contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone

I going to tell you how it is and how it went exactly. I'll start from the beginning...

A long time ago in a country far away an immigrant met a local girl. Immediately the two became enamored with each other. They spent weekends and as many evenings together as they could, enjoying youthful romance as they shared meals and conversations. The relationship blossomed. They got to know each other's families and friends. They shared birthdays, holidays, Valentine and a New Year together sure that their relationship was a good thing.

As time crawled the sweet embrace turned icy as the warmth of Spring arrived. Arguments became more frequent, and along with those altercations misunderstandings and miscommunication damaged the relationship more. Soon what was once blossoming was now wilting and an end seemed very near...

Monday, April 12, 2010:

Sarah texts me asking me to come to Sungshin University at 9:30pm to ride back to Cheolsan with her. I tell her I have go to Muy Thai on week nights and I'll come over to her house after. Another argument ensues where loyalty and concern are questioned. She tells me that a boy who took her to the subway would make a better boyfriend than me and she regrets meeting me. My exact response: "No more regrets. He's your new boyfriend. We're over."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010:

Sarah calls after Muay Thai and tries to apologize for her behavior without actually using the coveted words "I'm sorry" (in Korean or English). I tell her that we may get back together someday but that I need to know that she won't get in monumental fights with me over little problems i.e. making a mountain out of a mole hill. We agree to be friends and start over.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010: THE CRAZINESS SURFACES!

I know those last few paragraphs couldn't of been easy to read through. I mean, who wants to read about drama and a lousy breakup, right? Well, this next part is about pure craziness in it's truest meaning of the word. I at no point will exaggerate as it will not be needed. Everything I say ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

After work Clair, my Korean co-worker, and I walk to the Bobostil where I and the other foreign teachers live. We were heading there to have a dinner that would surprise both of us, in the good way. Glen had decided to cook us a Mondu dinner complete with side dishes of fried rice mixed with bacon, broccoli, onions and some purple stuff. It was truly delectable. The meal conversation revolved in every which direction as we touched base on all the things we could talk about in such a mixed group of friends. We arrived at the topic of my recent break up with Sarah and I made the eerie remark, the kind in movies accompanied with lighting, that I was worried Sarah would show up at my place that night.

Dinner, and the conversation, ended together and we decided to head our separate ways. I walked up to my room and started working on downloading all sorts of shows onto my new external hard drive. DING DONG!

Before I walked to the door, I knew who was on the other side. It wasn't the kind of surprise like Glen's dinner, it was Sarah. I could tell immediately that she had dressed up for the occasion. She was wearing a new outfit I hadn't seen before which was a very rare thing. She usually had the same routine as me of rotating a few outfits but this time was different.

I asked why she was there and she said that she had forgot some papers in my place. I knew immediately that this was a lie but I did have all of her stuff gathered in a bag to give back to her, so I invited her in. Recall that I want her to understand that I'm not a jerk but am willing to try to be friends with her still. Let's look at the facts: since I've been in Korea I haven't spent more time or been more intimate with anyone else! You could say that she was my best friend in Korea, although I wouldn't.

She came in and did a quick scan of the apartment knowing full well that she didn't lose any papers there. But, I did the chivalrous act and asked her to sit so we could talk for awhile. We talked about old friends and joked around for awhile. Nothing really eventful happened and as of this point I had no suspicions of who I was really dealing with: a nutcase ex.

The conversation turned when I noticed the clock was nearing midnight. The last bus leaves at midnight. I suggest that she get ready so she doesn't have to walk or take a taxi home. I offer to walk her down to the bus. She ignores my comment all together and just stares down at her phone. I continue to subtly suggest that she should leave so she doesn't have to deal with the inconvenience of missing the last bus. Then she said what I had a feeling she would say. She suggested, not asked, that she would spend the night!

I immediately said, with my stern face, that her staying over was out of the question. I did that so she would understand that I'm not leading her on and I'm not the kind of guy to take advantage of a situation such as that. She asks why. Because we're not dating anymore I reply. But we're still friends, she insists, and friends can spend the night together. The conversation revolved this way for too long until it was past the time of the last bus. Diplomacy was deteriorating at this stage of the night as my fatigued set in more heavily.

I informed her that she needed to leave and that because she wasn't acting mature that she could forget about me walking her home or even out to a taxi because friends don't treat each other that way. Then like a switch, she transformed into something I've never seen in her ever. She became a lunatic.

She said that she WAS going to sleep there. In her head there was no other option. She was determined to stay there with me. She didn't understand that she was destroying her chances of us ever getting back together let alone staying friends. As time moved on and she became more crazy I steadily became more stern. I informed her that I did not want her in my house (such a gracious term for a one room place that is a bedroom, kitchen, laundry, and living room all in one) and that she had to leave.

"No, I will stay because you want me to leave. You leave." Those were her exact words. You can imagine my anger at hearing someone telling me to get out of MY place. I felt like I was dealing with one of my delinquent students that rebels for the sake of rebellion. Well, my response was along the lines of, "You're f**cking mad if you think I'm going to leave my own place."

At this point, she started making demands like a terrorist holding hostages. Her hostage: my solitude and peace of mind. I couldn't get over the fact that this person who wouldn't respect my wishes wanted ME to do things for her. She wanted me to delete all of her pictures. I don't even understand why she would want that. I mean, am I going to brood over them later? I said ok, willing to appease her in the hopes that she would leave. I deleted the pictures knowing full well that I had copies on my brand new external hard drive that I mentioned earlier. After this, she still refused to leave with an increased sense of resistance.

I grabbed all of her belongings and set them in the hallway. This had no effect on her, she simple didn't care. My mind started to race as I contemplated what I would do if I was in the U.S. I WOULD CALL THE POLICE!
I told her that if she didn't leave then I was going to call the police. Then, if I had any doubt that she was crazy before, she said something that confirmed it even under medical standards. She said, "If you call the police I'll tell them you hit me"!!! Oh, God. "What am I dealing with here?" I thought to myself. I called my good friend Clair and told her to call the police for me. She informed me that it was a bad idea since it'd be my word against a Korean's with Korean police officers. At this point while I'm on the phone Sarah starts hitting me with things in my room. While I'm on the phone, and Clair can attest to this, I'm telling her not to touch me.

As I hang up the phone, Sarah, who must of assumed that the police were coming, made a dash for the door. But on her way she grabbed something off my table. I caught her at the door and asked her what she took and she started telling me not to touch her. With brute strength, I spun her body a 180 degrees and peered into her purse to see my wallet tucked inside.

This is the point of no return.

I lost it. I grabbed all her shit and tossed it down the hall. "You try to rob me in my own place!" I went to grab her but she grasped onto anything she could in my apartment knocking dishes and the trash all over the place. I carried her out with great trouble and she had the strength that only the insane possess. I've felt this girls muscles for months and there's nothing to them, very J-ello-ie, but suddenly she had this Heracles strength. However, my anger strength trumps her crazy powers, as many of you can attest to. I carried her out, all the while she's screaming and trying to push her way back in. I have to hold her off with my gigantic butt as I finish throwing her things out of the door way. She's scratching me all over. I decided to lean on her against the wall ala Randy Couture so as to drain her of energy from holding me up. Then with a rapid movement I pushed her down the hallway and I ran back to my room, closing the door just before she grabbed it! Immediately she tries to key herself in! I'm filled with fear that maybe she had memorized my door code.

Lucky she hadn't. She wasn't done though. I had kicked her out around 12:30am. From then till 2:30am she rang my doorbell, until I unhooked it, and tried to kick down my door. All the while yelling and trying to rip my door handle off. What did I do? I recorded it with my camera then put my headphones on an relaxed knowing that she was outside and no matter how much noise she was making, eventually, I'd never have to hear her again.

It's safe to say that I'm through experimenting with relationships for awhile!

Muay Thai and Awkward Times

I'm holding off eating because I'm having a rare moment of inspiration and a newfound motivation to write something. It is currently 10:15pm and I just got home from my 4th Muay Thai training session. For those of you who are vegan pacifists and haven't the slightest idea of what Muay Thai is: well, it's the fighting style native to Thailand (hence the Thai) and it is considered "The Art of Eight Limbs." No, it isn't because we act like Hindu gods. It's because it uses both fists, both legs, both knees, and both elbows (that makes 8, if you weren't counting). It's a rigorous fighting style that demand physical prowess and cerebral focus. I recently discovered the gym near my home, less than 5 minutes away by foot, when my friend read the sign slowly (because it is in Korean) and said, "mmmmuuuuuuaaaaaaiiiii TTTHHHHeeeigh" and I thought to myself that it sounded close to my dream fighting style. So, naturally, I signed up. You may be wondering why I even want to do Muay Thai training since I really don't like getting into fights and have rarely experienced any. Well, when you work with little kids all day sometimes you build aggression. So, instead of pile driving a child's skull through the floor and into the bank below our school, I chose to vent my aggression in a healthy way. Also, it's dern good cardio and did I mention you get to hit things...hard.

Why did I wait till today to mention that I started Muay Thai, after 4 days of training? Well, today was special. No, not retarded. It held significance.

Today was actually a good day of school. The students all did well on their Oral Test (hold the dirty jokes please) and only two decided they would rather have staring contests with me. So, when school finished I wasn't in "need" of hitting anything. But when someone hands you those packaging bubbles, you pop them! Well, when you have a Muay Thai gym membership, you go and hit things...hard. So away I went, downing my Bacchus D that is the equivalent of 5 Hour Energy Shots sold in the U.S. I got to the gym at 8pm and started the way everyone does, jump roping for 10 minutes and then shadow boxing for ten more. Then I moved to the heavy bag. It's Monday and I like to start the week off with boxing and work my way towards kicks near the end of the week, it syncs better with my weight training regiment. But, today, my Kwan Jong Nhim (Sensei, Dojo Master, Jefe, Boss, what you will) had different plans. He made the five guys, including me, enter the ring. We were going to practice kicks, both left and right. One person would hold the pads while the rest would cycle through each kicking 5 times and then the pads would be passed to the next in line as the rotation continued. Last week, my KJN made me feel as if my kicks were atrocious and lack any power, so naturally I felt pressure being in front of everyone displaying my kicks. Everyone else has been training for months, if not years! Did I mention that one of the guys in the ring brings his son with him every time. His son just so happens to be a student I've had for the last six months (and is probably the worst student as well). I hope you can feel the pressure as I did. The kicking commences. Each fighter bows as they prepare to fire their strikes. I'm fifth out of five to go, I'm nervous. My turn comes quick. I bow. I take my stance. Shit, wrong stance. Here goes nothing. I fire my first kick......."AISH!" The guy holding the pads yelled. He is the most experienced fighter that isn't the KJN. FYI: Aish is the equivalent of shit. He yelled that because my kick went through the padding and his forearm had to absorbed the strike. My power, without perfect form, was penetrating the pads, both of them! I kicked four more times after that before the switch to the next in line. This continued for an hour. Each person taking their turn with the pads and grimacing as I kicked. I apologized each time saying, "Mian Hwayo" but inside I was holding back a sinister grin.

Everyone in the gym speaks Korean and they constantly have to ask each other for English words since each person seems to know a different set of terms. Well, tonight, they all knew, "Good Power!" Because they wouldn't stop saying it. After the workout they all should me their forearms where I had left bruises and marks from my kicks. So, as it seem that this whole post has been about some ego trip that I wanted to share with you. OOOOOHHH but you couldn't be further from the truth. This is a tale of shame.

After the kicking session I went back to the heavy bag to practice my boxing for 30 minutes before I would leave. Boxing works up the nastiest sweat and for those of you who know me, I sweat like a fat kid. Before I could leave I decide that I needed a shower which was fine because I had brought all my toiletries. So I hopped into the shower room. This room is slightly bigger than three phones booths so when you are undressing and putting your dirty clothes in your bag, every move is like chess. Without strategy, all of your clothes will fall out of your bag and onto the wet ground or get sprayed by the shower. It took me 5 minutes just to get undressed because of this chess match. Maybe they guys thought I was in the shower with the curtain shut already. Or, maybe they're just Korean and don't believe in privacy. But, they opened the door from the shower room to the gym. My sparing partner yelled, "ohhh, six pack" looking at my stomach and then everyone glanced over at me, standing nude, even my student....

For those of you who aren't aware, teachers don't even like to see their students outside of school. Most teachers will go to a movie theater out of the way just to avoid students. Needless to say, no teacher wants their student to see them naked. I dread Wednesday. I dread the future. I now appreciate Larry David more than ever.

On a lighter note; as of today I have been working in Korea for half a year exactly and will be

back in half a year more. 183 days left. See you soon!

-MJ

I Am Old Boy

Let me begin by saying welcome back to MJ's blog. I must apologize for not updating this sucker in quite awhile. I'll follow that apology with a sincere thank you for your return. With no more digression, let IT begin...again...

So much has happened since the last time I've been on here and I ask myself "Why haven't I posted any of it?" I think that the most logical answer to this is that things that had once seemed unique have become sadly routine and, frankly, unimpressive. But something unique did happen to me recently. In fact, it happened two days ago!

My social life in Korea has taken a mediocre boost with my acquiring a few key pieces of technology: my cell phone and lap top. I hang out with some really neat Koreans in my area, that aren't forty years old. One is a preciously adorable girl named Sarah and her close life long friend, Jungu (for those of you not familiar with Korean names that is indeed a man's name). Lately, we had gone to malls together, saw the Christmas Carol and had SEVERAL meals together.

Two nights ago was Sunday night and I had no plans and was very ambitious to find something to do. I texted (it's an amazing new verb meaning: to text. Yes, I just changed a noun to a verb! [Language is FUN!]) Sarah to see if she wanted to go see a movie. She made the clever suggestion to go see a movie at a DVD Bang (pronounced BONG). You've heard me talk about PC Bangs before; that is where I had written all of my previous posts. Well here is your first lesson in Korean: bang means "room." So when I say DVD Bang I literally mean a DVD Room. Whatever you're imagining is probably more right than you even know.

We took our time deciding on which DVD Bang was most worthy of our 13,000 won. We decided on one and headed on up.

Entering the place of business we were greeted with an assortment of His/Her slippers to put on for the duration of our stay. The shoes that had got us there, we locked up in miniature lockers. In front us stood a huge wall of movies to choose from. All sorts of titles: Korean, American, and Japanese. I was overwhelmed, how am I suppose to pick a movie from a selection of three countries and languages?! I narrowed my decision to picking a Korean movie since I hadn't experience that side of this country's culture. Sarah picked out the three titles she thought were most popular and famous in Korea. I decided in the same style I always do: fate, by a flip of a coin. That inescapable fate lead me, ironically, to Old Boy. Old Boy is a film littered with metaphors of fate, destiny and unavoidable tragedy.

With our selection we payed and were told we could have as much of the treats in the lobby: pretzels!, ice cream!, crazy Korean snack-like cookies!! Needless to say I loaded up; If I'm paying for something I want to get my money's worth, eh?

We walked into the room and I immediately came to the conclusion that the people working at this place were probably certain we'd be, to borrow a term from Catcher in the Rye, "necking" all through the movie.

The room was perhaps 12ft. by 6ft. with the screen at one end and the projector above our heads. Between the two walls was nothing but a mattress and enough pillows to create another mattress. This room was made for getting down to business, I couldn't help but think perhaps Sarah is sending me a message, or maybe I to her since I picked this particular location. Either way, mixed signals were clouding the air. (Foreshadowing???)

The movie began and I have to say that Old Boy is a great film, depressing but GREAT. I would highly recommend it to everyone I know. It has more twists than M. Night Shyamalan's Signs, 6th Sense and The Village COMBINED! It's filled with a multitude of great quotes

such as "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone" and "Sand or Stone they sink

just the same" both quotes which hold deep meanings in the movie and with the night ahead.

The movie ended in tragic fashion but would not have been as good otherwise.

Sarah and I got ice cream then decided to walk her home.

Okay, I'm going to bear my soul to all of you for two reasons now. I'm not lonely here and I'm not

desperate for any relationships, as any of you who have known me already well know that I'm happiest

alone. But, I owe a tale to make up for my lack of dedication to this blog and for making you read this

much of a story. Your obviously holding out for some sort of a kicker. Well here it comes, I hope your wearing a

cup.

I walked Sarah home, which is about fifteen minutes on foot away from where I live. It's not a bad walk, one way

which is down hill, not to mention its a damn cold night. We talked the whole way back and were sharing

our thoughts on different movies, steroids, computers, etc... it was a long walk. At the end of this walk

I always ask myself the same stupid question, "is she expecting something from me?" Traditionally, the

many times I had walked her back before I had always just waved goodbye and left, without even a hug.

But, this time was different.

Everyone has been in this position (God I hope I'm not the only one!): You have the feeling someone likes

you but because of a mutual shyness neither can ever tell for sure or not. Usually, one will perform a series

of experiments i.e. strategic gestures of affections (hugs, arm touches, sheltering...), ask questions, do anything

to get a read on the opposite individual. Well, sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures and some

of us dive in head first not knowing how deep or shallow the the water was.

The water was no thicker than the surface in my case.

I jumped in and received the dreaded head pull-back in repulsion. If you think that's shameful, imagine the yelp

of shock she let out! Ha, all I could do was laugh my ass off, literally. I saw the scene from her point of view,

mine and omniscient perspective all that the same time and all three were hilarious beyond containment. I

said goodbye and left cracking up. All the way home, 15 minutes of it, uphill, in the cold, one thing went

through my head constantly, "laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone." And, like Old

Boy, this night would not have been as good of a story to tell had it ended any other way.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm back!

P.S. Sorry the writing isn't as good, I'm rusty.

Hell's Little Angel

This will be my best attempt to try and explain what happened to me yesterday. Perhaps it’s karma for all the teachers I KNOW I pestered in my own innocent fashion. I say innocent because I never did anything worse than talking…constantly…and maybe calling Mr. Wilson’s classroom phone to call Bryna or posting a sign pleading “FREE BRYNA” on his window, but he had it coming. You know what I never did? I never stabbed a teacher. That’s right, MJ, the guy who taught at ghetto Saginaw High School and never had a worse problem than having a tardy student walk out because of a supposed “girl problem” GOT STABBED. By who was I assaulted? A 7 year old (Koreans are born already being 1, not like the rest of the world who start at 0) student Louie. I’m sure your all assuming as you read this different scenarios to justify this child for impaling me. So, at this time, I will lay out the context for this act and describe verbatim what occurred at 1:50pm on Monday October the 12th. Louie is an active kid but none would classify him as a delinquent. He avoids this connotation by cunningly being the smartest kid in the room. I’ve experienced first-hand what it is like to be an above average (graciously termed) student yet a complete ass in the classroom. It’s great. People focus on your upside constantly and either enable your bad behavior or crack from your constant annoyance (I again cite Mr. Wilson). Because of the perceived “upside,” which may never pan out (ahem), teachers are reluctant to turn you away from education by punishing you. This is Louie’s life, as I view it in the two weeks I’ve been teaching here (further explanation ahead). There’s your context. And now the setting.
It’s Monday, I’m in a great mood to start y second real week of teaching. Looking at my calendar I’ve been in South Korea for a month come Tuesday, eleven more to go. A quick tabulation and I’m about 8% complete! Talk about a positive jump on the day. I get to work 3 hours early because I enjoy everyone there, I like to get prepared well, and, of course, it has free internet access (So, guess where I’m writing this). My day gets better when I notice one of my favorite people, Ashely Bowen, is logged onto Skype (mj.gerhard CALL ME!). I call her without a second thought and we have a fantastic conversation for 40+ minutes, where I learn the Cowboys won in OT (day’s getting better), before it’s time for me to prepare for classes. Preparing only takes me an hour so my day’s getting better and better with every passing moment. I have so much free time that I head to Dunkin Donuts for my favorite, Honey Fritters! This was the best start of a week that I had since arriving in Seoul (you see where I’m going with this already, huh?).
Time for my first class is at 1:40pm, Math. I follow my general routine, asking all the students, six of them, how they are individually. As a reward system we draw happy faces on the board. My day’s so great I’m drawing elaborate dragons for the boys and princess faces for the girls. Nobody is really out of line and class is going smoothly. We start our work which consists of the kids counting up from certain numbers. All six students are working diligently and are excited to show me their work as they’re completing it. I’m doing the teacher thing of walking around and giving each student glowing praise i.e. “great hand writing, Ella!”, “you’re so smart, Andy!”, etc… I get around to Louis and I see he’s already finished the whole page before any of the others. “GREAT JOB LOUIE! Dang your smart! HIGH FIVE!”
Read that quote again and let it sink in. Think hard about how you would feel after being given that sort of affirmation. Did you accept the high five? If you did, then you are like everyone I have ever offered a high five to…until Louie at 1:50pm on October 12th, 2009.
Pay ATTENTION, because the next few moments are tattooed to my memory. Louie looks at my open palm held in front of him. Louie then looks at the pencil grasped in his hand. You could see the cogs turning in his head. And, like a snake he shot his closed fist, in a stabbing motion, right into my open palm. Then he shot his face up to mine, and grinned.
Who knows me best? What do you think “typical” MJ would do in reaction to such an act against his person? I was taken aback. I suddenly knew what Stalin felt like when Hitler broke their treaty in invaded the Soviet Union. How could such an offer, a high five, not only be refused but ABUSED?!
Well, I’ll tell you what I did: I erased all his damn smiley faces including the dragon damn it. Honestly, I had no words. Lack of words not, from my temper but from shock. How does one ever offer a high five again without fear of reprimand? I then threw my trump card on the table, one more outburst or act of misbehavior and Louie was going to the babies’ classroom- a fate worse than death. I couldn’t help but think, was I Neville Chamberlain offering Czechoslovakia to Adolf Hitler as appeasement for “Peace in our time”? It didn’t take long to find out. I tried to continue class immediately without breaking the awesome rhythm we had going. But it was the blood coming from my palm that was causing distractions now. If you’re bleeding (and yes, gingers do bleed) then the students can’t look at anything else. I went to the teachers’ office to get a band aid which brought attention I didn’t want. The Korean teacher made Louie apologize which made me look/feel impotent. And after great delay and many distractions I tried to resume class. CUE LOUIE, time to disrupt. I asked him and everyone to put their pencil cases away, I never allow them out. Oh wait, Louie needs to get out a new pencil first, and why? Because the flipping lead broke off in my palm, in the precarious center where no manmade band aid can hope to stay. Louie gets his pencil out via chaos: he shakes his pencil bag back and forth violently until all it’s contents splash away, disturbing the brief tranquility I had momentarily established. Chaos breeds more chaos as a pencil hit Andy in the head bringing the total assaults in an hour to two.
Dare I say I relished in fulfilling my promise aforementioned? I will say slight vindication did strike me a I dragged Louie into the Baby Classroom, crying. I don’t mean to say I’m glad I mad him cry but that I was able to establish myself as a person who means what he says. I don’t want to be the teacher that wields empty threats, I strive for consistency: what I always say, I always mean. What ruins it is when enablers get involved and justify the individual’s actions as if they understand the inner psyche of a 7 year old (6 in the U.S.). Nothing sticks in my craw more than when people tell me that what I saw and experienced wasn’t that at all. “Oh, it must have been an accident.” “He’s so smart, and I don’t think he knew what he was doing” (real quote/former disagrees with the later= contradiction). But these people are like me in many ways: naïve, trying to see the best in people despite what is apparent. I’m glad I work with such warm-hearted individuals honestly. They will always try to do what’s best for everyone and in the kindest manner. I just hope we’re truly helping and not hurting students by such actions.
I look forward to Wednesday when I see Louie again. He’s a great kid with a sharp intellect. I could never hold a grudge on him for his actions, he is, after all, 7 years old (6 in the U.S.). If I did, then, in a way, I’d be holding a vendetta on myself because in many ways I was Louie and still am. God knows I'll never offer him a high five again!

Koreans Love Booze

Long time no see. Luckily, this time I have material to write about. First, lets address my writing schedule. Since I work all week long and I don't yet own a computer I have been doing all my writing in PC rooms which means I have to wait till the weekend. This is a good thing and a bad thing. First the bad: it means my readers (what few I have) can get complacent and forget about my blog altogether. But the good part is that I have a week worth of material to put online to insure a better than decent story.
Korean business men get drunk! Here a a few tidbit pieces about my experiences with drunk Koreans this past week.
Story #1
Finally, my knee is feeling a ton better! Monday night was the last night of the Chu Seok holiday and I was beyond the definition of bored. I had read three books in four days and my body was begging for activity. It all began with me juggling the ball in my apartment. See, at this point I had made up my mind that I would wait one more week before I attempted to go play a real game of soccer. Playing with my ball in the small apartment wasn't doing it for me so I decided what the hell, "I'll just go down to the field and juggle the ball there and not actually kick it around. " Well just as playing with the ball in my room led me to playing on the field, playing on the field led me to kicking the ball at the goal. My confidence was growing with every shot. Eventually, an older man, Dae Jwon, asked if I would like to play with him and his friends versus some high schoolers. These were your typical Korean high schoolers, dressed to the height of fashion to play soccer and took to themselves as real high and mighty. Game on I say. In the back of my mind I knew I had to restrain myself from playing all out, had to protect my knee and all.
Competition gets the best of all of us. Those damn high schoolers score two goals immediately and I just wasn't going to allow myself to beaten, not on my first night back playing dammit. I started to step up my game and actually sprint. Perhaps, it was the fact that I wasn't playing all out at first but when I turn "it" on the high schoolers didn't know immediately how to adjust, so the slide tackled me in the box from behind very cheap-like. Penalty Kick time! That was my first goal of three that night. We eventually won 5 to 4 and sent those emo-styled high schoolers packing with our "Kashamnidas" (thank yous) but even that wasn't what left an impression on me. High above the field on one of the many benches surrounding the field was a very drunk man that I can only assume was a war veteran. The ENTIRE time we were there that night, 8pm to 10pm, this man was yelling Korean constantly. Luckily, I don't know Korean because I can only imagine him commenting on the "Ginger American can't play Soccer/Why don't you get some sleeves for that shirt/Who hid my Soju?" A testament to the kindness of Koreans was displayed when after polishing off a bottle of Soju HE WOULD THROW IT DOWN TOWARDS US! It would shatter and go everywhere and then he'd yell at his loudest as everyone stopped and stared for a moment, allowing him a stage to perform. His act was immediately recognized as melodramatic and induced by the Soju and the remnants that laid around the track in his vicinity. This play of his had 4 acts total that night, and 4 shattered bottles of Soju to testify it.
Story #2
This previous Friday night a bunch of us English teachers decided to go out and get some food together and top it all off with drinks. The meal was amazing. I must say that of all the food I've had on different continents nothing compares to what the Koreans offer. If you like meat and spicy food a la Chipotle well Korean food is for you, plus its dirt cheap. After our meal and drinks we had to decide what to do next. Luckily, some of our Korean teachers met up with us, Lucia and Clair (those are their English names, their real one's are much hard to say much less spell). The general consensus was for a Nora Bong aka Karaoke. But, this isn't your normal singing bar that one might imagine. In Korea you pay when you enter and then you get a private room to yourselves with a big screen and loud surround sound plus two microphones. Oddly enough its "technically" illegal to drink in singing rooms but that wouldn't stop this clever ginger. I grab one of my mate's bag and headed to the nearest convenience store to stock up on Cafri Beers (much like Corona) and bottles of Soju. Once, I got back the singing had already commenced. The book of songs to choose was like a phone book of songs from all over the world. I sang Muse- Hysteria, Green Day- Basket Case, 99 Red Balloons, and we all sang a chorus of the Cranberries- Zombie! We were in that room for over two hours and it was time well spent. The highlight of which was Glen's rendition of Electric Six- "Gay Bar" a hilarious song (please check out the link). We probably would have stayed longer had it not been for the fact that our voices were failing miserably, an affliction affecting me even on this Sunday.
After the Nora Bong (Singing Room) we headed to a nearby convenience store where I bought a pitcher that came with glasses and we all sat outside and enjoyed conversation while watching the drunken businessmen pass by. One would stubble as if his legs were made of rubber. Three other ones were wrestling not 10 feet from us, fully dressed in suits. They accidentally dropped their beers and broke them only to continue wrestling in the trash bags that were stacked up along the street, a truly comedic sight. The best part was when this trio walked over to a moped one of them apparently owned. Each took his turn trying to drive it. One almost parked it INSIDE the convenience store. They would throttle up and immediately realize their eyes couldn't keep up and would lock the brakes creating a jerky forward and stopping motion. So funny, all of us were crying or at least me. At last, one got on the moped and sped away swerving the entire way down the sidewalk. Their night had come to a close and ours was quickly approaching it. We finished the pitcher and walked home together chatting in pairs. I finished the night standing outside alone smoking one of my cigars. Koreans party on a whole 'nother level, yall.

This PC Bang won't allow me to load pictures, I promise to post them soon. I have some of the Businessmen!

Holiday=BOREDOM!

Sorry I haven't updated this sucker in awhile but truth be told there's nothing exciting to update. The biggest event of this past week was that I actually started working as an English teacher. I have no idea why people get worked up when starting a new job, especially one of this type. First off, no job I'll have will be as hard as the work in college was. That said, no job will ever be as fun as college neither. I'm pretty much a babysitter of kids now and I keep them busy by chatting with them. My lessons usually consist of me saying things like: "How are you today?" "What is today?" "What is the weather like today?" "What do you see in the picture?" "No, we're not going to play hangman." "Get out your workbooks and start on page ..." "Who knows the answer to ..." "So everyone is done? I guess we'll play hangman."
That's my routine so far. I'm only in each class for 40 minutes so it's not as if it's overbearing and the kids are still learning English because I'm not speaking Korean with them. In fact, the most fun classes are the ones where we all just sit and chat instead of following the same boring routine of listen, repeat, now you do it on your own. Kids here are remarkably smart and pick up on things super easy. They can read and write much better than they can speak English so the workbooks are done as soon as they're assigned. Their parents ride them worst then anything close to parents in America. As soon as the kids leave public school, they come to our English school, after that they head to Taekwondo, Robotics, Music lessons etc... Most get homework from each school and don't get home till 11pm!!! Then they get up with the Sun and they're back to the same routine.
Meanwhile, your narrator and lazy American compatriot is spending the Chuseok holiday reading in his new place and going to PC Bangs (Internet rooms) and keeping up with World affairs. Chuseok is the equivalent of Thanksgiving in America and its completely boring. Why? Everything is shut down for 3-4 DAYS! For someone who just got to Korea and doesn't have much to do anyways, limiting my options doesn't motivate me to look hard. My reaction- become a hermit. I've finished two books in four days; it's amazing what one can accomplish without TV or computer access. Someone save me, because all I want to do is go back to work!?!